Lost clown

I don't know who to talk to or where to turn to. I realized I am actually a very lonely person.

I am a clown, friends come to me because I always crack lame jokes. They laughed at the clown because of her silly actions. The clown made a wrong choice, she fell badly, life is laughing at her. She cant find a close friend to pull her up from the ground, because she don't really have any close friend, and the only friend she had was her one and only boyfriend. How many would actually know behind the happy masked face of the clown, the clown is actually crying?

You are my best friend, my partner in crime, my boyfriend - My everything.

I've made a wrong decision, I thought it was the right move. I don't know what to do. The moment our conversation ended, I wish I didn't say what I've said. I wish I could turn back time.Isn't this what I really want? Why it hurts so much? There are so many 'why(s)' in my mind. The next thing I knew, I was on my bed for quite some time. Since when? I don't know.

I wish I were a little kid again, skimmed knees are easier to fix than a broken heart.

I did not sleep. I thought crying myself to sleep will work like an insomnia pill.

How I wish I saved all the tears I cried for you and drown myself in it.Real loss only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself.

When you said "Be Mine", I knew I was shot by the love arrow, and I feel deeply in love with you.But now, what can I do to fix things back to normal? I don't know how and where to start?

My close buddies asked me...

Do you still love him?

Yes I do.

Do you still want to be with him?

Yes I do.

Screw him la, perhaps he doesn't know you anymore, don't cry for him.

Do you know about him?
Why say things about him?
You have no rights to say things about him!

Why the hell are you defending him?

Because I still love him.

What the fuck did you do that then?

I thought he don't love me anymore.
I cant feel the passion we once had.

Did you do something about it?

Yes I did.

Like what? You idiot.

I think to myself, what did I actually did?
Did I do my best?
Somehow, the pieces of me starts tearing into smaller pieces.
I want to vanish from this world.

They asked me a different questions. They tried to cheer me up.

So...
out of all your boyfriends, which one is the best?

Ee.

What bout the characteristics you want in a boy?

I named it one-by-one.
*paused*
I can find it all in Ee

Girl, your answers don't tally what you've said.



What should I do now?
I hurt his feelings, I want to say so many things to him,
but how?
What if he hates me?

Is that the end?

I swallowed 2painkillers, 2 insomnia pills,
vomited my meals,
gasped for air several times,
stomach cramped till I lay down silently...

If it can stop all the thoughts that is running wild in my mind,
If it can stop the pain I am feeling now,
I will take in more, just to feel dead and not alive.