Obviously my SEM breaks are over and I am back to my dull study environment. I seriously dislike the new timetable, it is more towards self-directed learning which I am SOOOO not used to it, and I am really trying my best to cope with it. In addition, I had difficulties dealing with people, perhaps I am just too coward to defend for myself. Therefore, I ended up despair and angry at myself.
Perhaps, I felt emotionally-unsecure, that is why I felt irritated, moody and sad at times. Perhaps study stress or other factors sucessfully invaded my comfort zone. Sigh~ so-called studying psychology to understand people's behavior and mental processes, more like I need to be studied instead.
I felt sad at times because I coudn't achieve what I aimed for. When I thought that I did work hard enough, the results were unsatisfying. I will eventually work even harder, ended up mentally and physically exhausted. Gosh~ it seems challenging myself is even harder compared to others.
I reflected back the moments I had arguments with my parents. I realised I was not mature enough. Perhaps thats why, I always got naggings and scoldings from people around me. I wondered why, why do they sometimes can't see how much I am trying, how much I pleaded for help when I am alone in my room, how much I want approval from them.....How much I am struggling..
At 6:30pm..
Here I sat quietly in my bro's room. I took a glance at my father who was soundly asleep. I looked at him, and i whispered to myself..
Dad, you've added a few wrinkles on your face.
Dad, you are balding.
Dad, your face showed how tired you were...
Dad, I think its been a long time since I looked at you, and say Thank-You for everything you've done.
Mum..... as usual, worked through her bones to make the house clean and spotless. But, I noticed how hard she was trying to maintain it, she won't whine like a baby like I do when she injured herself. I saw her taking my pain-killers, why does she need to put up that strong image all the time?
I felt utterly guilty, hopeless.. for not doing my best. How and what should I do?
Now way I am giving up that easily. I'll srtive harder in my studies to not let them down..I will.. I will..
Now, I feel more motivated. Papa-mama, I love you.
Putting that aside, I need to be grateful to someone silently helping me throughout this journey. That person go through the hassle to get my things done. Regardless what freak wheather it was, that person will drive from a distance to calm my restless soul. Thanks..dear..
God, I love you for bringing me these wonderful people into my life.
Argh~ sniffs.. emo-nya saya..
I shall blog more happy stuff eh? loves
