Not so understanding after all

I asked my dad to pay for my sem fees. I saw him signing the cheque - RM 10400. Dad said to me, "You cost me a lot of money, better study hard". He smiled, and signed the cheque. Deep down in my heart, I knew that sum of money, he could have used it for his heart therapy.

My heart hurt even more.. when he reached out for his bottle of pills to ease his discomfort heart. I asked him, "How long will you no longer be dependent on those?". He shook his head and said:"I dont know..". I sat down quietly, waiting for him to check the documents piled up on his desk. I looked at my dad..My dad.. I was wondering, when was the last time I said "I love you, and thank you for everything".

Dad..is stronger than any person in Tim's little world.

I recalled that there was once..

I caught you using your fists to hit your chest. I was in the shop with mum, lining up to pay the bills. I saw how you tried to soothe your discomfort heart, how you were busy searching for pills, how you were frustrated because you were out of painkillers, how you were clenching your fists to hit your chest.
In that shop, my mum and I were shopping for the things that we want, but you were outside waiting in the car. You gave everything to us, but you have nothing for yourself. We used your hard-earn money for an exchange of our happiness. I then realised..How STUPID and INCONSIDERATE I was.

Today, it was my first time seeing the new place that I will be staying. It was small. (I rented a small room). But, it was way smaller than I could have ever imagined. A bed, cupboard, and a study desk already used up the space that I needed to move about. The view outside the window is not pleasant. If the room is in such condition, I think I don't need to explain to you how the toilet looks like. The apartment is empty. There are only 3 sofa, and a table for six to have a meal. The kitchen have no cooking stove. One word to describe this apartment - (UNPLEASANT)

I am a person who can adapt to changes easily, so I don't mind the surrondings. In my naive mind, I was actually visualising me making the place better. I took my dad to the place I am going to live in. He was.....DISAPPOINTED. WHY?? Is it because of my prison-like cell room?
Yes... He was very dissatisfield about the condition of the apartment.

He yelled: "There is no view outside your room! No stove! You should have continue to stay there!"
I told him: "I don't mind all these...Is cheaper here."
He yelled: "Why here, is quite a distance from uni!"
I said: "Is ok, I can take care of myself. If I go overseas, nobody is going to look out for me."
He said: "But, if you study in library, when you come home, is very dangerous!"

I tried to reassure him that I can take care of myself, but I said something that we both know..had hurt my dad's heart..

I said.... "Is not that you are having an educational fund for us, mum is not working."

Harsh...

He quite down, turned his head away and said "Up to you...Is your choice."

Dad, I am sorry. I wanted to hug him and take back what I said. I wanted to say that, giving me a better place to stay doesn't mean that I will have better grades. My grades are good because of you. I push myself to study because I dont want to see you cletching your fists and search for painkillers again.

I thought saving a lil cost here and there, you would understand..I thought that you would know that I moved out, because I cant bare to have that slight chance of loosing you to that bunch of doctors. You worked hard, and you are still working..

Is my fault for not making you proud. If I study hard, have a scholarship.. you dont need to work extra hard to pay for my debts. There are so many.. "If I.........." question is.."Am i too late?". There are scholarships available, I dont have the initiative to search for it. There are possibilities to get all A's, but I always think that That Couldn't be Me.

Lousy Daughter, that has a Great father..

"You are nothing, but a piece of junk. You weren't meant to live."
I hate to admit it, but that SOMEBODY got it right this time. I am nothing at all.........