Midnight tears

If I said.. "I am fine", I am absolutely NOT FINE.
If I said, "I dont need you", I really hope you ignore what I've said and tag along by my side to check if I am ok.
If I said.. "I want to be alone". I really want you by my side.

Tonight, I am alone..because I said all the opposite things of what I really felt in my heart. I tried to cry myself to sleep.. I cant sleep. I tried taking my mum's insomnia pills, I still cant sleep. I thought my tears will stop, but why after hours and hours.. my pillows still soaked wet. I thought I am immune to pain, but why after consuming painkillers, it still hurts.

Why?

Today, is not a very good day for me.

Let me tell youS (more than one people) this...

I dont understand why..If i made a comment about you, can u just accept it? Why do you have to deny it? You cant see your own behavior, only others are able to tell you. That is why, there will be arguments, because people just wont accept the negative side of themselves!

I dont know why some people like to assume others know everything. Well, thank YOU, if u think that I am very KNOWLEDGEABLE. If I accidentally hit you, I am sorry. How would I know that hit cause serious injury? I learnt martial arts for self-defense. Thats true, but I truly dont know how to use force to break a body's part. You never gave me a chance to explain.

Dont say things like everything you also know, just because you are way older than me, doesn't mean that you know everything I am going through. You have your own way of coping stress, and I have mine. You can drink or brag about how you cope with it, and I can cry my own way out it to cope with my stress. We are different people.

Dad.....
I hope you will recover soon. Your health problems are one after another. How can I not be worry? Just when we got so close around this year... you told me to take care of myself, because you cant guarantee your own future? What rubbish you talking? What happened to my childhood promise?
Do u need me to remind you?

What happened to my brave daddy?
The daddy that used to remind the once a little girl to be brave, because no matter what, her daddy will be there to take care of her.
The daddy that taught her to face life with a positive view.
The daddy that held his little girl to sleep when she cried after getting severe beatings for her wrong doings..
The daddy that told the little girl that He will hold her to walk through difficulties in life, because He loves her.

Well dad... U dont need to play that role anymore.... Lets switch role instead. Let me take all your pain.. let me hold your cold hands and face life bravely.

I love u dad...