Make a change in me.

Crazy lar.. Its like 5am in the morning, I cant sleep. Even though m now sleeping next to my beloved "teddy"

My mum is bringing me headache, i felt that she should be supporting me, encouraging me, understanding in my situation, but she always erupted before i explain anything or even when i commited a lil mistake.. Fine, it was a big mistake. Dont felt like mentioning it as well, rather depressive. Dear-dear, daddy and my teacher were there to comfort me when I cried heavily that day.

My mum seems irrational at times, it was like mentally torturing to be with her every minute. Nothing i can do to please her, nothing i do that can make her felt proud of, I was being compared time to time, she blames literally every single thing on me. Even others can see her doings are hurting me day by day.. I am sick and tired of it.. Just leave me alone. I have my finals coming up, i need to run away, but where to?

Leave me alone.. For a moment please..

But thank God, Dear's family allowed me to stay in for few days secretly without mummy's knowing. I studied and carried on my normal routine as if i am at home.

My secret, but i felt i am hurting everyone in my life.. Including mummy..

I cant describe how grateful i was in their family acceptance, all i prayed and said to myself is.. I WONT DISAPPOINT U GUYS.. BECAUSE I WANT A CHANGE IN ME.

That day became a turning point in my life. I swore i would change my attitude. I went to church on Sunday, Rev. said stg VERY MEANINGFUL. I dont if i am supertistious or what ever u called it, that day, those words really had an impact on me.

She said, we should be like a pencil. *forgotten some key points*

We leave tracemark behind, each meaningful and significant in our life. We let God - our manufacturer to use us to bring a change in us, but first we have to change ourselves first. Is not about how fancy u are on the outside, is what inside that counts. The pencil lead is the most important thing in a pencil.
Pencil goes through the pain sharpenning process, but it is worthy.. Even those painful things hurt u, but it makes u stronger.

MJ's Man in the Mirror lyrics clearly depicts the message =)

Is like, these few days, i've been experiencing chronic pain in my lower back, and i dont know what i could possibly do. Treatments have been stopped for couple of months, and i cant always rely on painkillers can I?

Felt like doctors are surronding me in my thoughts.. haunting me with comments.. I am scared.. really scared...

Study is a must.. i need to work hard.. must be more productive.. Few hours is not enough.. Must work through it for my own success.. May God Blessed me.
Then again, after all i've been through, i guessed God will protect me somehow... He would and will.. He surely heard my callings and sensed my tears which is sent to heaven as well...
Lord, give me strength and determination.. cure me.. save me.. Just like u healed the Blind Man. Change me, because I am willing to change for the Better..


PS: mummy, i love u.. a whole lot, dont hurt me anymore... I will do well, i promised.. i will... i will..