I went to church today. Thanks Lee Fang for fetching me. Its been a long time I didn't attend church service. *My moment with God* I've been missing for quite some time, but the friend's from church still rem me. Most surprising was Mitchell's mum even rem my name! She stated that For a person sooOOO bubbly and cheerful its hard to forget. I felt so touched. But, seems like they happened to know bout my condition and prayed+care for me. So nice of them...
But... Something happened.. Something happened unwillingly...
I... so sudden experienced my backpain. It came so suddenly that my smile just hilang. The pain was so intense that I cried unwillingly in church. Even my 120mmg pain killer cant stop it.
There i was..laying still on the church bench. Crying as I cant even afford to move my back. They prayed for me. I didn't want to listen what they prayed, I cried out loud that...
there is no way I can recover...
I cant take it any more...
I dont want to be paralyse..
I want to walk.. not be sitted for LIFE...
At that point, i realised How Small I am. I was defeated by my own body mechanism. A small body cell in me was able to get me down crying and pleading for help. I try not to shed a tears... I musn't let people worry. I know they felt guilty because they cant do much, therefore I smile always. I kept remind myself... Instead of spreading worries, i should spread laughther..
Yes.. When i worked today, worst.. My pain strike again. Like its reminding me... YOU CANT GET RID OF ME.. FACE IT! I hold my tears. My partners asked if I am alright. I forced a smile and make lame jokes, but inside I am crying.. pleading God...Please end this by all means. Family, partners and friends are so supportive. Y cant Lord just take my pain away but leave me in pain?
God, you planned that I come seeking for you, now I am here.. On my knees begging you to save me. Lost and fearful, please help me. Where are you then? Why dont you reply me? Dont leave me alone, i am not strong enough to handle it myself.
I questioned, i cried.There is no anwser! There is no cure for me! The pills, the pain, the tears... I want to tose it far away..Y? Y me?
Today, the pain striked 3times. I told myself, I can take it! I can! I will... But how long more to go? I know its a punishment from God, I admit I didn't placed God as Priority. Now, he make me realised I need him. I need Him more than I ever think of.
I wont and will not admit defeat! I gonna combat till the very end, I wont kneel down to the pain I enduring. Even if the sharp pain seems like taking and tearing my soul and spirit into pieces... I will move on...
Because..
Lord.. When i journey along the sandy beach,
thinking why you didn't walk with me but abandoned me as I only saw a single set of footprint
That time, you will definitely hold my hand and tell me...
"Girl, there is only one set of footprint because I've been carrying you all along...."
4 comments:
siew i noe u.....just dun woree so muc thr so many ppl cares bout u ...u noe ..ur parent actualli lagi, sced la...it juz tht they dun realli show if they show they lagi sced ...they aso duno wat to do....siew dun push things urself and thinking tht God nv help...God does help , but is unnoticeble...ok....try to think ...small things tht God help...u din notice oni...God plan for a reason...juz ...believe in faith ...dun keep on say tht ur sickness will nv go ..it will seksa u...it wun go... if can read the SECRET book....it will help u ... u can't say the word 'won't' ok...tht is a bad word ..read the book u will understand more ....and the ways of ur life will change ..trust me ..jus dun think so muc ...dun think...if is pain ...juz ..tahan...ok...ur pushing urself too muc...juz dun be affaird of things like this ...as i say rmm appreciate wat u hav noe...and live ur life ...ok...i think tht wat God want it from u ...take care of urself rmm...thr's more worst ppl out thr hu still live life happily even though thr having the worst things in life happening now ..why can;t u ...juz rmm this ...God is with u now..if not u wun be living ...ok...juz rmm the point i tell u and think bac carefully...
i'm soree if wateva i said hurt u ..i'm juz telling the truth ..i'm not like the others will juz pity u and juz manja u ...if u 1 me to do dat Soree k...siew u changed allot...and is a Bad change ...ur not appreciating ur life now and u became a gur which not the hapi go lucky person anymoren like last time ...if u come and tell me this face to face i most proberly juz scold u and ..wake u up....
Hi babe.
Not sure if you remember me but I'm Abigail Tan.
Anyways, don't worry. Stay strong! I might not know how you feel but I know that God is always there watching over all of us, showering us with his love and blessings. Probably this is just a test from Him that you experience and I believe all of His diciples will go through one day, maybe not like you probably in another form.
I know that God is carrying you, in the palm of his hands walking along the shores of His love. And therefore don't worry, all you have to do is stay strong and BELIEVE. Be optimistic that He will heal you.
The book that Zenny recommended to you might be THE BOOK that you would like to read up now! (: Cause it is a great book.
For I know the plans I have for you, plans for your good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope. (Jer. 29:11)
Do not let your heart be troubled. Trust in me. (Jn. 14:1)
Take care.
Will pray for you.
Loves,
..abygayle..
Hey stef.. Of course no one forget you. I still remember how funny and silly we were last time with mich n zenny. all the laughs we had. :)
stay strong okay? we're all here for you. dont need to feel guilty we cant do anything. cuz i know God is watching you from above, everytime you fall he cries with you. everytime you call His name. He answers. just be alert, open ur ur heart and u'll find him one day. :) TRUST!
and yes. zenny is true. Keep that smile and cheerfulness of yours. i know this is a HUGE thing to worry about, but make sure ur happy here now too. everydays a journey! if you look things at diff way, you will find peace. even though your going thru suffering, I KNOW. I KNOW this testimony of yours MIGHT not help you, but God will use ur life..ur story..of THIS, to work on other friends along this life journey. even though its not all bout you, but God will use you for bigger things! :)
we're always here, come church more often aite so we get to see you! take care! loves!
P.S: ZENNY, MICH i miss you too!
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