Don't You Get it?! Or You just don't wanna Accept it?

At this late hour is not that I had the urge to blog bout some exciting events. But, to let out my errupting emotions. I am freaking angry & sad as u can see that title is refering to SOMEONE Else. Dont ask who, perhaps as you read along you will find the answer.

I dont know why, but I hate to say this. This time, I actually felt that I loathe her behaviour. All this while I've been berated by you. All I do was remained silent. But I cant stand it NO MORE. Why you have to turn things undesirable? Why U blame me for all the causation and not him?Why u expect me to be the best while I know deep down I cant!

Do you know how arduous it can be?

For you..

I told lies to cover-up some broken ugly shattered pieces of story u made..

I forgive and trying my best to forget what harshfull things you did and said

I am not me.. I betrayed my own principals

I am a gulity a person, lost of direction

You dont see me as a whole me.You only judged partly of me.Its unfair. And you never took the opportunity to listen. This is not JUSTICE, but CRAP.

I cant open up to you. I've been repressing this feeling of mine for years. Whenever I try, You shut me away. I am not a THING,but a human with feelings. I too experienced sorrows and painful past which you dont even bother to notice. I learnt to kept quite.

Because.. You would end up saying I am Childish and need attention. I am a weakling. I am incompatible to be your desired child.

Its hopless. I am weak after all? I tried to repress my emotions. But now i failed, you can laugh. I burst into tears.

When..

All you see is only my weakness..

All you care was power & Luxuries

I felt bad for stealing my grandma's COSMOPLAS *a plaster that relieves pain* Whenever I looked at the plaster, I felt heartache. I am 18 behaving like a 80.Ofcoz, you would'nt understand because you are NOT ME.

I am tired of being labelled. I am depress because the hope to recover seems faraway. I tried to pick myself up. Convincing myself PARALYSE will NEVER APPEAR IN A CHAPTER OF MY LIFE. The pain os so frequent till I dont know how to be optimistic and take it as never before.

Ohmy, I am scared. I sick of..

needles injecting onto my back to relieve the pain

various pills that so-call guarantee I will recover in no time

crying till my eyes cant even withstand more tears wetting my pillow sheets

I had no idea why, when the pain comes. I start to shiver abit. Convincing I will be alright, forcing a smile to claim that I am fine. No~ I know my limits. I know I cant stand no more.

God's know why.. It hurt me both physically and mentally. Why I cant get out of this problem? Why on earth I have a bone chipped off? The only way to help myself from this is me, because I have to face it. But God why? Why I am pulling myself together and when the pain strikes again it crushes my heart?

I felt disgusted when I see wheel-chairs.

I developed a habit, whenever I looked at my legs.. I smile because its still functioning.

You can think I am crazy. Because I realised that when you have a posibility of loosing something, you only learn to value it.

April is getting nearer. I felt tremendously scared. What is my upcoming faith? With my pleads and sincere praying will God cure me instantly?
You planed that I can finally go to church, then, can you too plan to cure me too?
You are the God Almighty, I come to you and beg..
Please take away the pain,forgive my sins and let me be your slave to spread your gospel.

Today I had a bicycle ride along the park, i Felt a great sense of satisfactory. Everyday till before the big day comes, i will put my legs to full use.

I am a coward..

I dont dare to go for a 50/50 surgery because i dont want to loose my legs..

I dont want to take anymore pills as i dont want kidney failure..

I dont want painkillers, I dont want heartattacks and stroke in later life..

Will those who spend your time reading this post.. Pray for my recovery?

With this sincerity, I thank you reading all these and I hope God bless us all.

Cheers for a hope of speedy recovery.