Read it because I really mean it..

For those people including friends, family, loves one. This post is for all of you.
I am not being emo, its hard to tell out, so i rather type it..
Expressing all my thoughts and feelings to a computer which wont show pity on me.
I dont need people's pity, but i do need their time to listen. Is it very hard?

I know my condition well enough, my backpain have been torturing me for days.For days, the pain get more intense until I felt so defenseless as I only know how to collapse and cry. My upper leg somehow at times got affected to.All i can question is.. Where is Siew Tim? The one that is active, optimistic & Happy-go-lucky. My spirit of living give up on me and Is my body giving up on me as well?
I dont think I can take it much longer. I am not strong enough. I dont shed tears at front of you because I dont want people think that I am weak. I am regret for not doing few things.. I havent learn how to swim, havent try climbing mountains, havent had enough playing my favourite sports. No way.. God please dont take away what I have..

The doctors threw me the big decision to make which I decide my pathway having 50/50 of risk to take in order to cure my back, some of my friends labelled me as the "backproblem" girl, my family can only see my enduring all this nonsense I going through.
The doctors dont seem to give me any solutions. Each alternatives will have effect and unbearable risk.
My parents argue, blaming each other is their fault I have this kindda condition. Worst still, please dont divorce when I really need both of you now..
My friends can only listen to my sorrows, but they are not angels who can cast my troubles away.
The beloved ones, you dont understand me sometime. You make me sad.

Why am I crying now? My vision is so blur. My chest hurts so much. Nobody can help me now. God where are you? The bible say God wont let His children suffers! Where are you? Are YOU leaving me too? Everybody is leaving, but why cant the pain leave too? I want everything to stay,not my pain and tears..

I dont think I have any to loose. I learn lots of stuff i think. I guess I shall go for the surgery. Even the chances of getting paralyse is there, even I know worst come to worst I only can tears and blink my eyes where my body is not moving anymore. I might go for it. If only time permit me to think more. Will miracle happens?

Doctor? Can I have a request? If the surgery went wrong, can you just end my life? I dont want be a burden to others. At least give me my sense of dignity and respect.

To all people, I am sorry if i hurt you before. I love every one of you. Live life to the max.

是我没有信心,还是我认识了现实?
难道真的要事过境迁了以后才懂倔强说不痛
假装什么伤都没有
倔强抬起头决不让眼泪往下流
我正在找一份答案，但，我哪里能找的到？我绝望，我无助，我悲伤，我心痛！
人说幸福是短暂的。但我觉得它并不短暂，只是幸福的日子会比平常过得快。