I went to church today. Thanks Lee Fang for fetching me. Its been a long time I didn't attend church service. *My moment with God* I've been missing for quite some time, but the friend's from church still rem me. Most surprising was Mitchell's mum even rem my name! She stated that For a person sooOOO bubbly and cheerful its hard to forget. I felt so touched. But, seems like they happened to know bout my condition and prayed+care for me. So nice of them...
But... Something happened.. Something happened unwillingly...
I... so sudden experienced my backpain. It came so suddenly that my smile just hilang. The pain was so intense that I cried unwillingly in church. Even my 120mmg pain killer cant stop it.
There i was..laying still on the church bench. Crying as I cant even afford to move my back. They prayed for me. I didn't want to listen what they prayed, I cried out loud that...
there is no way I can recover...
I cant take it any more...
I dont want to be paralyse..
I want to walk.. not be sitted for LIFE...
At that point, i realised How Small I am. I was defeated by my own body mechanism. A small body cell in me was able to get me down crying and pleading for help. I try not to shed a tears... I musn't let people worry. I know they felt guilty because they cant do much, therefore I smile always. I kept remind myself... Instead of spreading worries, i should spread laughther..
Yes.. When i worked today, worst.. My pain strike again. Like its reminding me... YOU CANT GET RID OF ME.. FACE IT! I hold my tears. My partners asked if I am alright. I forced a smile and make lame jokes, but inside I am crying.. pleading God...Please end this by all means. Family, partners and friends are so supportive. Y cant Lord just take my pain away but leave me in pain?
God, you planned that I come seeking for you, now I am here.. On my knees begging you to save me. Lost and fearful, please help me. Where are you then? Why dont you reply me? Dont leave me alone, i am not strong enough to handle it myself.
I questioned, i cried.There is no anwser! There is no cure for me! The pills, the pain, the tears... I want to tose it far away..Y? Y me?
Today, the pain striked 3times. I told myself, I can take it! I can! I will... But how long more to go? I know its a punishment from God, I admit I didn't placed God as Priority. Now, he make me realised I need him. I need Him more than I ever think of.
I wont and will not admit defeat! I gonna combat till the very end, I wont kneel down to the pain I enduring. Even if the sharp pain seems like taking and tearing my soul and spirit into pieces... I will move on...
Because..
Lord.. When i journey along the sandy beach,
thinking why you didn't walk with me but abandoned me as I only saw a single set of footprint
That time, you will definitely hold my hand and tell me...
"Girl, there is only one set of footprint because I've been carrying you all along...."
